Parenting and the Ghosts of Our Childhood: How Attachment Wounds Resurface

Hi, I’m Kayla Estenson Williams. I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Perinatal Mental Health Therapist, and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Essentially, I have a lot of professional experience when it comes to the road to parenthood as well as trauma/attachment wounding. And more importantly, I’m a mom who has been there and can understand it from a very personal experience.

What we’ll cover in this article:

• What role does attachment play in parenting?

• What are attachment wounds?

• How might past attachment wounds resurface as you become a parent?

• What can you do to support your own healing as well as secure attachment in your family?

What Role Does Attachment Play in Parenting?

Understanding Attachment Theory

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, outlines how the bonds formed in childhood can affect relationships throughout life. Secure attachments in early life typically lead to healthier emotional and relational outcomes, while insecure attachments often result in difficulties in expressing emotions, forming relationships, or nurturing others.

The security, or lack thereof, that we felt with our caregivers early in life impacts how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. While it’s not necessary to know exactly which style of attachment you formed as a child, learning a bit about attachment styles can give you a good idea. It’s worth noting that most people don’t tend to fall 100% in any category- rather- experiences can trigger feelings of past attachment wounds.

Let’s start with the different characteristics of insecure attachment:

• Anxious Attachment: “I am not safe unless others reassure me frequently.” In childhood, caregivers may have demonstrated some inconsistencies in the areas of nurturance and acceptance. Sometimes, this inconsistency is due to a caregivers changes in mood and ability to be present and engaged. Other times, a caregiver may vary their connection due to their child’s actions or performance. This can leave children, and eventually the adults they grow into, to fear abandonment or rejection, have a difficult time trusting that others care, and may feel that they have to perform well in order to be lovable. As parents, anxious attachment can look like a frequent need for reassurance from others about their parenting choices, feeling that they need to parent perfectly in order to not “mess up” their child, and may be hyper-vigilant about baby’s cues.

• Avoidant Attachment: “I can’t count on others, I need to be self-sufficient.” In childhood, caregivers may have been emotionally distant, rejecting, or dismissive of their child’s emotional expression. Children, and the adults they grow into, may minimize their needs to avoid disappointment. They may struggle with emotional closeness, dismiss their own needs, and be hyper-independent. In parenthood, this can show up as discomfort with their baby’s emotional intensity, a difficult time identifying or responding to their child’s need, and discomfort with emotional closeness.

• Disorganized Attachment: “I want connection, but connection is dangerous.” In childhood, parents may have shown up in highly inconsistent ways, were frightening, or were abusive or neglectful in their parenting. This leaves children feeling conflicted between their source of comfort also being their source of fear. They may struggle with both intimacy and autonomy, can struggle to find effective and healthy relationship or communication, and may shift between being clingy and withdrawing. As parents, they may feel triggered by intense emotions, struggle managing stress, and at times re-experience their own trauma as they care for their child.

Okay, so what does secure attachment look like?

Secure Attachment says “I am worthy of love, and others can be trusted to care for me.” In childhood, caregivers were likely consistently attentive, warm, and attuned to their child’s needs. These children, and the adults they grow into, may feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, are able to ask for support when they need it, can regulate their emotions, and can trust in others. As parents, they may have an easier time attuning to their baby’s needs while also honoring their owns, can tolerate stress as it comes, and are open to learning and growing.

If you resonated with any of the characteristics that tend to show up in insecure attachment, you probably thought the characteristics of secure attachment must feel nice. You might even feel some sadness or grief that the characteristics of secure attachment don’t naturally present themselves to you.

Rest assured that developing secure attachment is always possible.

If you were raised in a way that lead to insecure attachment, that doesn’t mean you will always have insecure attachment. AND- if you are currently parenting in a way that may lead to moments of insecure attachment- it doesn’t mean that you can’t shift things to support secure attachment for your children. There is always time for healing and growth.

When we can work to understand our own attachment history, identify areas that trigger up past attachment responses, and actively work to support healthy relationships with ourself and others- we can develop secure attachment. Yes, it takes work. And time. And practice- a lot of practice. And, it is some of the most meaningful and impactful work that you can do.

Learning More About Your Own Attachment Wounds

As a therapist, I have many clients who start out therapy saying they had a pretty good childhood, only to find that we have a lot of work around attachment wounds to do. It’s not often because they actually had horrible childhoods- rather- moments of attachment wounding can be sneaky, and are commonly normalized in our society.

Most of the time, parents are trying to do their best. When we look at the boomer generation (the generation that most of my clients were parented by), being a “good parent” meant raising a child who is accepted as a “success” in our world. Which, can mean focusing on raising your child to focus on school and get good grades so that they can eventually get a good job and make a lot of money, fit into societally ascribed gender norms (in appearance and behavior), and hit relationship and family milestones at the “right” time.

For the boomer generation, few parents were taught the importance of holding space for emotions, being consistent in how you respond to your children, how nurturing your child’s individual interests is healthy, and how essential acceptance and love is in helping your child form self-confidence.

So, many of my clients had “good childhoods” by the time’s standards. And, for many, their parents genuinely love and want the best for them. But, that doesn’t mean that there weren’t moments of attachment wounding.

What are Attachment Wounds?

Attachment wounds can come in a lot of different ways. Some obvious ones are the more “big-T” traumas such as physical abuse or the loss of a parent. But, the “small-t” traumas can be just as impactful.

These “small-t” traumas, or wounds, can look like frequent invalidation, emotional dismissal, or the expectation that love and acceptance is earned through doing things the “right” way.

Now, let me be clear to the anxious parents who are already feeling like one wrong move will cause irreparable harm to their child- these moments have to be frequent to cause real attachment wounding. One moment of invalidating your child’s emotion is not going to throw away all of the times that you’ve intentionally supported their emotions.

But, when these moments become the norm of how we experience life with our caregiver, it shifts how we view ourselves and others. If we are repeatedly told to go to our room to “calm down” when we are upset, we will eventually believe that it is not safe to show others how we are feeling. If we are repeatedly shown that we will not be accepted unless we get good grades, we eventually believe that love has to be earned.

This does not mean that your parents wanted you to feel this way. Again, much of the time, parents were doing what they thought was best. And maybe they’re still doing this with you as an adult child because they still think it’s best. Whether it was intentional or not isn’t necessarily important- what’s important is what you do with it.

How Might Past Attachment Wounds Resurface as You Become a Parent?

Past Wounds Get Triggered

When we are parenting, there are going to be moments that bring up our past attachment wounds. With my clients, I often talk about how parenthood gives us many opportunities to identify the work that we still need to do for ourselves. Our own stuff coming up in parenting moments doesn’t make us bad parents- it makes us human. And, it’s important to take the time to notice what is coming up so that we can actually work through it.

Let’s get into some examples of how past attachment wounds show up so that you can get a good idea of what that might look like:

Feeling rejected or unloved: Those who grew up feeling neglected or unloved by their parents may feel sensitive to any moments of perceived rejection. While it’s normal for anyone to feel a pain point when their toddler shouts “I hate you!” amidst a tantrum, for those with attachment wounds in this area, it can bring up feelings of abandonment or worthlessness.

Fears around making mistakes: Those who experienced criticism, harsh discipline, or shaming may become hypervigilant about being a “good parent”. This hypervigilance can turn into unreasonably high self-expectations or perfectionism. When they have a moment where they don’t parent in alignment with their parenting choices/values or when their child is struggling or misbehaving- they may experience feelings of failure, inadequacy, or as if they are “not enough”.

High discomfort around crying or neediness: Those who didn’t have their own emotional needs met in childhood may struggle with emotional expression- of themselves or others. They may have been taught that suppressing emotions is strong, and expressing emotions is weakness. In parenthood, they may feel anxious or overwhelmed when their child shows strong emotions or asks for comfort.

Difficulty setting boundaries: Those who had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or unpredictable may have learned to people-please or over function. In parenthood, they may struggle to hold boundaries when their children push limits due to feeling like they should be able to do it all as well as being uncomfortable with their child’s discomfort.

Feeling out of control: Those who were raised in chaotic, unsafe, or invalidating environments may crave control as a way to feel safe and secure. When their child refuses to cooperate, makes a mess, or expresses big emotions- it can trigger feelings of helplessness, which can lead to frustration, reigidity, or emotional shut-down.

Struggling with emotional intimacy: Those who’s emotions were often dismissed in childhood may feel that emotional expression is unsafe. In parenthood, they may feel uncomfortable or defensive when their child expresses sadness, anger, or anxiety. Since they didn’t learn how to hold space for difficult emotions as a child, they may tend to try to minimize or distract from difficult emotions in their own child.

There are a great number of different ways that past attachment wounds can show up in our parenting moments. As you can see, these triggers can impact how we feel within ourselves as well as how we parent. Again, these attachment wounds resurfacing does not make you a bad parent. You are human. And you are healing. And- you are growing.

Life is a process of continual growth and change- and if we can tend to what is showing up in the moment, we can grow through it.

What can you do to support your own healing as well as secure attachment in your family?

Breaking the Cycle

Attachment wounding and trauma passes on from generation to generation. How your grandparents parented your parents influences how your parents parented you. The attachment wounds you experienced gets triggered now as you parent. But- just like trauma gets passed down- so does healing.

When you tune into what is showing up for you in your parenting experiences, you give yourself the opportunity to interrupt the cycle of attachment wounding. Instead of continuing to react to these triggers in ways that protect vulnerabilities under these wounds- you can work on healing so that you are able to respond with intention during these parenting moments.

So, how do you actually work on this internal healing?

• Reflect on Your Childhood: Take time to think about your early experiences. What were your relationships like with your caregivers? What moments left you feeling seen and loved? Which moments left you feeling dismissed or alone? How do you think those past experiences show up in your present day life? Understanding how these influences shape your current behaviors can help you separate past from present and connect to the values and goals that you choose.

• Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present with your emotions, providing space to respond thoughtfully rather than react instinctively. Take small moments in your daily routine to step back, take a few deep breaths, and check-in with yourself. What emotions are showing up? How are you interpreting the situation? What values or goals would you like to connect with more here?

• Regulate your nervous system: Parenting can be stressful- we are all going to feel a little dysregulated from time to time. When our stress response gets triggered, it can be easier to react in ways that keep our attachment wounds in the drivers seat. When you notice yourself feeling stressed, take a step back. Do some breathing exercises, cold exposure, or movement so that you can think a little more clearly with your next steps.

• Seek Support: We humans weren’t meant to do this all alone. Connecting to support from those who you feel safe around can empower you to grow in meaningful ways. Navigating challenges around attachment wounds can be intense, and working with a therapist who specializes in attachment and parenthood can truly make all of the difference. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support if you need it- you deserve it!

• Communicate Openly: As you are working to allow for emotions within yourself- allow emotions to be communicated about within your family. Encouraging open communication with your child fosters secure attachment. Let them express their feelings without fear of judgment. In doing so, you create an environment that allows for healing—both for you and for them.

• Focus on Repair: Secure attachment isn’t fostered by perfect parenting. It’s fostered through a space that emphasizes safety. You’re going to make parenting mistakes sometimes. We all do. You’re going to lose your cool and yell at your kid, dismiss their emotions, or not notice a need for comfort. When that happens, you have an opportunity for repair. You get the chance to notice what happened, apologize, and take steps for improvement. Often, a moment of good repair is actually more significant than doing the “right” thing in the first place.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Parenting is inherently challenging, and it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Recognize that everyone has their struggles and that making mistakes is part of the process. Approach your parenting journey with kindness toward yourself.

Moving Forward

Recognizing that our childhood experiences shape who we are as parents can be both a daunting and liberating realization. By addressing these attachment wounds, we can break cycles that no longer serve us or our children, and initiate cycles of healing and growth. With conscious effort and intentionality, we have the ability to foster healthier relationships, paving the way for a brighter future.

As we navigate the complexities of parenting, it is essential to embrace growth, both for ourselves and for our families. Through understanding and addressing our attachment experiences, we can create nurturing environments that promote resilience, connection, and lasting bonds.

Let’s grow together!

At Minnesota Attachment Collective, attachment is at the heart of what we do. We know that early attachment experiences have a significant influence on our lives as well as our experiences in parenting. Our therapists who specialize in attachment trauma as well as perinatal mental health and parenthood are well equipped to support you as you do your own work- for yourself and your family!

We offer individual, couples, and family therapy virtually for those living anywhere in Minnesota as well as in-person at our Eagan, MN office. Check out our services here and our providers here. We would be honored to help you hold space for healing and growth.