Supporting Your Toddler in Learning Boundaries

Figuring out how to teach our toddler boundaries is no easy feat. We are working to teach a tiny human, who can't fully comprehend what we are saying nor communicate exactly what they are feeling, a skill that is complicated for many adults. Sometimes we feel that we are failing at this mission because it is hard- so let's start off by just recognizing and accepting that it is hard.

Even if you are doing everything "right", it's not going to go smooth. Your little one is going to struggle to learn these skills. You are going to struggle to teach them and be consistent with them. And, you're probably going to question if you're doing it the "right" way because there is no one true right way!

In this blog post, I'll talk about some perspectives on teaching boundaries that come from an attachment perspective. As a therapist who specializes in both attachment trauma and parenthood, this perspective is going to be a little bit biased towards attachment and supporting emotions (of both kiddos and parents). While it's not the only way to do it, I do think these perspectives can be helpful to reflect on and keep in mind as you adjust them to whatever style works best for you and your family!

Introduce boundaries in ways that make developmental sense

In many parts of the world, especially here in the U.S., society gives us this expectation that children should be able to learn boundaries from infancy. We may be told that it is our job to hold these boundaries so that our babies don't develop "bad habits" that will be hard to shift later on. Which comes with the assumption that our babies have natural-born skills of understanding boundaries and regulating emotions on their own.

This hyper-focus on independence, minimal support or lack of resources for parents, and view of humans being able to figure out all of these skills on their own from infancy is quite baffling when you think about it. The notion that our babies should be able to sleep through the night without support, that they should be able to calm down their big emotions when we need a moment to ourselves, or that they should cooperate with our schedule adjustments as they come just doesn't make sense.

Depending on the temperament of the baby, some of these things may naturally go okay. A baby who has a very calm temperament may not need much support for sleep, or may be just fine chilling in their swing so mom can get a shower. Yay! And, that's not going to be the case for all babies. Those with more sensitive temperaments will likely struggle with these things. Which doesn't mean that anything is wrong with these sensitive little ones, it just means that they need a bit more support around their emotions and routines.

Most of us parents with littles who don't have the most chill of temperaments hear these expectations around boundaries for infants and feel like we are doing something wrong when it doesn't work out or when we feel to uncomfortable to stick to them. We might feel like we just lack our own emotion regulation when we can't stand the sound of our baby crying for long periods of time, or we may feel like we've messed something up if our baby can't soothe themselves quickly.

So, here's where timing is important. Babies do not have the emotion regulation skills needed to understand and respect boundaries. And, we can't teach them either. It's just not how it works with those brand new brains! In fact, our toddlers are very early in being able to understand these boundaries, and so that's why we really don't start this real boundary work until toddlerhood.

How we time this out is going to differ from one child to the next. Temperament is one big part of the equation. If a child is more on the sensitive side, we are likely going to want to ease into boundary work very slowly. We might even start this work a little bit later.

Another big part of this equation is our child's emotion and communication skill development. We can observe this by how early they are talking, as well as what they seem to understand. Some toddlers get into language earlier and are able to understand or name emotion words at 18 months. And for others, this might be much later.

While it's easy to look around at what others are doing and feel we should start working on a skill at the same time as the parent next to us- I encourage you to really tune in to where your child is at. Just like it is totally normal for toddlers to master the skill of walking at different ages, it is totally normal for toddlers to master these initial boundary skills at different ages. In each case, we check in on where our child is at and work on the baby steps from there!

If your child is on the later end of language development/understanding- start there. Learning to speak and understand is a foundational block to boundary work! At this stage, we can talk about emotions, talk about wants and needs, and build up from there. Thankfully, kids understand a lot more than we think they do. So, when we interact with our children more in building language skills and communicate emotions, we will also start to get a better sense of what they are truly understanding (even if they're not verbalizing it yet!).

Prepare yourself for boundary work

While of course we want to prepare our child for boundary work, it's also important to make sure we prepare ourselves for this work too. Parenting brings up a lot of stuff. We may have discomfort about how we feel we are doing, the emotions we see in our child, as well as just the uncertainty that comes with working on big skills.

So, prepare yourself to enter this practice with some gentleness. Boundary work is long-term work, really, it's lifetime work! In these toddler years, we are just helping our child to learn more about emotions and boundaries so that they have a good foundation to build on later in childhood through adulthood. So, if you have the expectation on yourself that you will teach boundaries with the "right technique" and be able to see your toddler respect those boundaries consistently- let's do a little reality check.

Have a realistic goal of success in boundary work

Yes, there are some approaches that will be more or less successful than others for your child. And, let's reframe what success means. The main goal around this boundary work is for us to hold these boundaries and work to be consistent in them even when our toddlers have big emotions about it.

It is realistic to expect that after a lot of practice with a specific boundary, our child's emotions about those boundaries will not be as big or communicated in ways that feel as dysregulated- but it is also realistic to expect that even after a lot of practice, there will be some times that those big emotions do arise! That's not a failure.

Yes, a goal of our boundary work is to help our children feel more comfortable with the specific limits we have in our family, but the main goal is that we honor those limits as parents and support our child in the feelings around it as we go. Boundary work isn't necessarily teaching kids to be happy about these limits. Rather, it is to teach them emotion skills to navigate that discomfort, and let them know that they are still loved and supported even when they are having a tough time with boundaries.

When we reframe success to be around holding our own limits and supporting our child's emotions around those limits (rather than a militant respect of each boundary), we give ourselves a lot of flexibility to feel like things are going well. Which, is great for us as parents, and is also great for our children to know that they don't have to be perfect at this stuff either!

Ease into boundaries in a way that feels gentle and supportive for your little one

How slowly you ease into boundary work will depend on your child. Like we touched on before, meet them where they are at. With the goal being to build foundational blocks around understanding and navigating emotions, we can begin with what is going to feel emotionally safe for them.

Note that there is a difference between emotionally safe and emotionally comfortable. A child can have an uncomfortable emotion, and still feel safe. Starting by learning the different cues your child presents you around the difference between comfortable and safe can be helpful.

For example, let's say you are working on ditching the bottle. You may begin by slowly reducing how many bottles or ounces your child gets during the day. As you begin this, observe your child's emotional reactions- they're likely going to have some! A child who is crying about this, but is able to receive hugs, listen to what you are saying, or even just stay at a mild to moderate level of crying is probably feeling safe while they are also uncomfortable.

On the other hand, a child who appears severely dysregulated, is violently pushing away or thrashing, is getting blue in the face, or is crying hysterically for over 30 minutes is not only feeling uncomfortable, but may be feeling a bit unsafe in their emotional experience. This doesn't mean we did something wrong or are traumatizing them, it just means that we are learning the pacing that they need to go at.

Through trial and error, we learn the pace that works best

If this lack of safety accompanies a step in boundaries, we may need to slow things down and prepare them a bit more for that step. In this example, it might look like not touching the bottles yet, but talking more about the plan to reduce bottles with our toddler, reading books with them about discontinuing bottles, and building in other soothing behaviors so that our child can feel a bit more safe once we are ready to reduce bottle use again.

While this may feel a bit defeating to those of us with highly sensitive children who may need a lot of preparation for boundaries, it can be helpful to know how freeing this is. There is no right or wrong pace, just a pace that works best for you and your family. Go at a pace that both you and your child can tolerate. Again, it will feel uncomfortable. And, it can also feel safe.

Get curious with what your child is communicating with you through their behavior

Often, when our child struggles with boundaries we look at this as "limit testing". And, while it is normal for toddlers to test the limits around them just to learn what they are, it's important to note that a child pushing a boundary is not being manipulative, nor are they engaging in an inherently negative behavior.

When a child struggles with a boundary, they may engage in a behavior that feels uncomfortable for us. Some common ones are screaming, crying, or continuing to try to do whatever it is we are setting limits around. This doesn't mean that our boundary is wrong, but it might mean that our child has a different need.

Often, a child who is acting out is really just trying to communicate a need. They may be expressing that they are hungry, tired, overstimulated, or just having a hard day. Don't we all struggle a bit too when we are feeling those things?! As adults, much of the time we have the power to meet those needs ourselves or can use language to express those needs. But, toddlers don't have those same resources!

Learning their needs will help us to be more effective as we set boundaries

Sometimes, a toddler's behavior is expressing that they need a slower approach to a new boundary, that they need emotional support around a boundary, or that we need to time this boundary work out a little differently for them.

For the example around reducing bottles that we got into above- it's often more effective to start working on this boundary during the daytime than night time. During the night, or around sleep, it's normal for toddlers to need more emotional support. They're likely to struggle with ditching the bedtime bottle more than the daytime bottle just because their emotional needs are different then. So, they're probably going to show some big emotions and behaviors if we start off with the nighttime bottle.

That doesn't mean they are testing our limits, rather, it likely means that they are communicating to us that they need to build up other supports first. We can help them work on the feeling of discomfort around our bottle boundaries at times of the day when they feel a bit more emotionally resilient, and we can help them build confidence in other night time comforts (such as a lovey, songs, cuddles, etc.) before we work on those night time bottles.

Communicate!

It's never too early to communicate with our kids about emotions, wants, needs, and relationships. We might feel silly doing this with a baby who we don't think understands what we are saying, but you would be surprised how much they can pick up just by how we are saying things!

We can do this by narrating what we are doing, naming emotions we think they are feeling in a moment, and communicating a boundary or emotion skill that we are doing for ourselves (such as "Mommy needs a little break to relax, so I am going to step out for a bit while you hang out with daddy. I'll be back to see you soon!"). When we bring communication into the game, we are helping them to build that foundation early on, which will likely make the process a little bit easier once they are toddlers.

Communication helps build feelings of safety

And of course, as we are bringing in these boundary practices in for our toddler, the more we communicate, the more safe they will feel. Communication helps a toddler feel more prepared about something new, and can also help them to know what is going on in the moment.

A big part of this boundary work is helping our child to be able to communicate their needs in a way that we understand. An essential part of this work is making sure that opportunity is available. So, just as much as we are intentional about communicating to our toddler, we want to be intentional about encouraging them to communicate with us.

This might start with "I see you are overwhelmed, we will leave the store so that you have some quite space with me to feel a bit more grounded." when they seem to be having a melt down at the grocery store. Here, we identified what need their behavior was communicated, and responded to them in a way that names that need. As we take the steps that help them to calm down, we can reiterate what occurred, what needs they may have had, and how we met that need. This is helpful because they are more likely to take this communication in when they are feeling regulated, as opposed to mid melt-down.

As we build on that skill, we can let them know how they can ask for what they need. This may look like "Are you feeling overwhelmed? Would it feel better to leave the store?" Note, that this isn't always going to be a home run. Again, if they're feeling dysregulated, they're goin to struggle to take in information. That's okay! We can keep practicing, talk things through afterwards, and soon enough they will be able to identify these needs before they get dysregulated (some of the time!).

Hold space for emotions- both your toddler's emotions and your own emotions

Allowing space for all of the emotions isn't just a skill that will support boundaries, but it is a skill that supports everything in life! Humans have emotions for a reason, each emotion has a function. And, to get to the other side of a tough emotion- we've got to go through it.

When we are teaching our kids boundaries, we need to be prepared to hold space for emotions. Whether they are learning to express a need in a new way, or are adjusting to a new boundary we are working to bring in- there will be feelings!

Going back to the example of phasing out bottles. It makes sense that our little one will be upset by this. Beforehand, we can accept that there will be tears and discomfort. Remember, that doesn't mean we are doing the wrong thing- it just means we are doing something new. And, we can support the emotion. We can talk them through and validate what they are feeling, provide comfort or soothing, and just allow them to go through this emotion in a way that feels safe.

Bring in tools that help support your child's feelings

Boundary work is a good time to have some options around helping our child regulate their emotions in our back pocket. Sometimes it's going to a quiet room that isn't overly stimulating, sometimes it's hugs or cuddles, sometimes it's listening to some favorite soothing songs, and sometimes it's taking some time outside in nature.

Through trial and error, you'll get a feel for what is most soothing to your child in certain situations so that you have tools to hold space for their emotions when they need that comfort. Note that you aren't practicing these tools to "fix" an emotion. Often, they can provide comfort and support, which tend to reduce the intensity of the emotion, but mainly they are here to help your child be in and get through an emotion.

We can model holding space for emotions

We can teach our children the importance of this by modeling it ourselves too. As a parent, you might be feeling a bit exhausted by the time you get to the fourth episode of big emotions around phasing out the bottle in a day. It's okay that you're not feeling as capable of supporting your toddler's emotions this time than the first one of the day. So, it's okay to take space for your emotions here.

You might be feeling frustrated, exhausted, disheartened, or confused. It all makes sense! If you have a partner or support person around, tap them in so that you can tap out and take care of yourself. This is okay to do even if your little one is upset about doing this with someone else. When we give ourselves that moment to regulate and come back refreshed, we are not only increasing the chance of success because we've taken care of ourselves, but we are also modeling that it's okay to take care of yourself.

Here is where communication is also helpful! We can name an emotion that we are feeling (just make sure to do it in a way that isn't shaming your child) and name something that we need. This might look like "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I need to take a few deep breaths." and then take those breaths, maybe even inviting your kiddo in to join if they are willing!

Support your child in meeting their needs in ways that also align with your boundaries

Part of working on boundaries with children is teaching them ways that they can get their needs met. As we get curious with what our child's behaviors are telling us and work to build in more communication around that, we can help them learn more effective ways that they can both communicate and meet their needs.

A lot of the time, our child's behavior is a request for some sort of our attention. It's important to note- this is not attention seeking behavior in the negative context, rather is connection seeking behavior. Humans are relational beings, which means we seek connection in our relationships- especially with our caregivers.

Through boundary work, we can help them to learn the best ways that they can communicate that need for attention from us. It's understandable that it is uncomfortable for us when our toddler is asking for our attention by screaming and flailing their body. So, when that happens, our job is to help them slow down and identify their need.

First, we focus on supporting the emotions of ourselves and our little ones. Again, your toddler is not going to be able to engage in boundary work with you if they feel dysregulated. Once they seem a bit more regulated, we can talk about what happened- without judgement or shame. And then we can help them to identify what it is they were/are needing, and teach them how to ask for that in a more effective way in the future.

Give Simple Choices

Often, our toddler isn't going to be able to identify a specific need if we ask them the open ended question "What do you need?" So, here's where we can bring in choices to help them narrow it down. We might not always have a guess at what they are needing, but most of the time, we have an idea.

Let's say our toddler is screaming and flailing their body around while we are out at the zoo. It's possible that they either need some connection with us, or maybe they need some time in a less stimulating environment. We can start by bringing them to a calmer space, helping them regulate their emotion, and then talking through the situation. "When we were out by the monkeys, you seemed to be overwhelmed. You were screaming and throwing yourself on the floor. I saw that you weren't feeling good and so we came into this quiet room to calm down a bit."

If they seem to be regulated enough to engage with us in this conversation (which might not mean they are actually fully responding to us, but just that we get the sense that they are present with us), then we can bring in some choices around what they might need. "I'm wondering what you need. Did you need a quiet space or did you need hugs?" Our child might be able to verbally respond, or maybe their follow up actions can let us know.

And, now we are also providing them with language around what they can ask for next time. With some repetition, they'll eventually be able to identify that the discomfort they are feeling lets them know that they need a quiet space and/or some hugs. And one day, they'll be able to identify that need and communicate it to us rather than scream and flail.

Choices are also a great way to give our child options around our own boundaries. For this example, let's say all of the emotional support practices we are trying just aren't working. Kiddo is still screaming and flailing at the zoo. We can give them two simple options that fit within our boundaries. This might look like, "We can calm down here in this quiet area, or we can go home." and following up with "if you continue to scream, we are going to take the choice to go home." if needed.

And, if they show you through their behavior that they are not making the choice to regulate in the quiet space, we help them make the choice of going home by taking them out of the zoo and heading home. Which is not a failure! Giving a boundary and following through on it is a success. While it's not going to click with them immediately, through practice, they will learn what choices fit within the boundaries and be able to make those choices (most of the time!).

Bring in Positive Reinforcement

Kids learn best through reinforcement. Focusing on what they are doing "wrong" is likely to bring in shame and leave them feeling disconnected to the boundary work. So, as parents, we can help our kids learn boundaries by giving them opportunities to feel successful.

By supporting emotions around boundaries, bringing in communication, and teaching them ways that they can get their needs met within the boundary limits- we are teaching them a lot of things that they can do "right"! And when we see them do it, we can reinforce it with that positive attention that they crave from us.

If they let us know they need a calm space without screaming, let's make sure we jump on that as soon as we can! If we continue to push off this request until they get dysregulated, then we aren't reinforcing this skillful behavior we would like to see, and are instead teaching them that the only way we listen is if they get really loud.

Reinforcement isn't just for when they do this new boundary perfectly. We want to make sure we are reinforcing each baby step of the way. If they initially started screaming, but got to a skillful request sooner than they have in the past, yay! Meet that need and praise their progress.

If they were still sad about not getting a bottle but more readily accepted a different soothing technique for sleep than before, yay! We can continue soothing them and let them know how proud we are of their progress.

Find a balance of consistency and flexibility that works for your family

One of the hardest things about boundary work is that you don't know what is going to work, and what is going to need to be adjusted. So, it can be helpful to enter boundary practice by knowing that it is truly a practice- and a practice that involves a lot of trial and error.

Figuring out what doesn't work is not a failure, rather, it gives you information on what else might work better. What works for other parents might not work for you, so it's okay if your approach and timing to boundary work looks different!

Sometimes this means we start working on a boundary, and find we need to slow down the pacing of that boundary if our toddler doesn't quite seem ready. This flexibility does not mean our boundary work isn't going well, rather, it means we have found a way that we are more likely to be consistent in- which in the end makes it more effective!

Get on the same page with your partner

If you have a partner, or other caregiver in the mix with you, work to get on the same page with boundaries so that your toddler has consistency. This doesn't mean that you have to do everything exactly the same. You may soothe your children in different ways, have slightly different routines, or use some different techniques in your boundary work. It's okay to show up with your own style- but, work together to make sure those styles align for a shared goal around boundaries.

If the two of you have very different boundaries in mind, your child is likely to feel confused. If one of you freely uses bottles while the other has a firm no bottles rule, it's possible that the inconsistency around this boundary will leave your child struggling on the times that bottles are not allowed, as they might not understand why it's different from one parent to the other. Sometimes, a different boundary for each parent is okay, but other times it can leave everyone feeling stuck.

This is why communication is key. Communicate with your partner about what boundaries you both feel comfortable with, and continue to check in with each other on how that is going. While you may approach these boundaries a little differently, it can be helpful to have an overall similar response to your little ones struggle with the boundary (for example, offering a quiet space and/or hugs) so that your child gets a lot of practice with the boundary or their options.

And, communicate these boundaries to other caregivers! If you have other family members or friends, a nanny, or childcare providers regularly caring for your little one- it's helpful for them to know what boundaries you are working on. While this can sometimes feel complicated, when it's possible for everyone to be on the same page, your toddler will benefit from that consistency in boundaries. Again, it doesn't have to be 100% the same- but communication with everyone will help figure out what amount of flexibility works and what level of consistency is needed.

Get Support Where You Need It

Again, boundary work with toddlers is tough. It can feel confusing to navigate, and has a way of bringing up our own stuff. So, it's helpful to keep in mind that it's okay - and skillful - to bring in support when you need it.

If you notice that a lot of your own emotions or past attachment stuff is coming up for you, this might be a nice time to try therapy. Parenthood tends to bring up the work that we need to do for ourselves- and processing our experience with a therapist can help us do that work for ourselves as well as help us to feel more confident and effective in parenting! Likewise, couples therapy can be great for parents working to improve their own communication and get on the same page in parenting styles and techniques.

At Minnesota Attachment Collective, we love supporting new parents! If you live in Minnesota, we would be happy to support you. Learn more about our therapy services here and therapists here!

And, as sleep related things are big in the boundary world for toddlers, you might also want to work with a sleep consultant. Our sleep consultant takes an attachment-based approach to help you navigate all of the boundaries related to sleep, feeding, and routines that tend to come up in these toddler years. Learn more about our sleep consultation here! It's available to you no matter where you live in the world.